Summer school

It has been a while since I last posted anything. I guess I got a little busy. Well anyway, I've been working at HLA for a while now, and I'm not as excited as I was in the beginning, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job, but for some reason the passion isn't there. I'm not really sure what I want to do as a career, but I'm still looking. Summer school teaching is a very new and weird experience. Me personally, I don't feel as if high school students should be allowed to take summer school course. If you couldn't get it in a semester, what makes you think you're going to get it in 3 weeks. Same for students trying to get ahead. It so much material to try and learn in that short period of time that it is somewhat impossible to get the information like you need. Anyway I'm getting off, just wanted to post something since I haven't been on in a couple of months....

Its been a while

It's 9:08 pm. I jus got out the tub soaking watching this runaway video by kanye. Ain't been feelin too great these past few days, not sleeping, no energy, no enjoyment in life. Just lost right now.

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Can't sleep

It's 4:02 am. I have been up essentially since 9 am and sleep has been far and in between the past few nights. I don't think I've slept for more than 4 hours a night even with the medication. I'm extremely tired and a little aggravated by it. But hopefully it'll change. I did have a nice day with my goddaughter today though so I guess that's the only plus.

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It's been a while

It's 9:45 pm. It has been a little while since my last blog. I have been doing ok. Some good days and some bad, but I'm pushing through. I have a follow up appointment next week to see the doctor so hopefully all goes well. But not going to write much. Kind of tired. Until next time.

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Can't sleep

It's 3:13 am. I can't sleep. I been having problems sleeping for the past week now. I'm tired so don't know what the problem is.

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Out with the lbs

It's 6:04 pm. I'm waiting at Yard House in City Center for my line brothers. This Friday is the weekend that we all meet up to talk bout what has been going on with each other. It's a chance for me to get out so it should be nice.

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Getting to my goal

It's 5:03 pm. I just left the gym. I'm gaining weight at a steady pace no. I'm getting back to where I want to be physically and mentally. I have started to learn to love myself and feel good about who I am. I couldn't have reached this place in my life without the help of God and my loved ones friends and family. Each day is still a struggle but I have learned not to give up. It feels good to be in a steady pace in life. It took some time but I'm slowly learning.

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Feeling Good!!!

It's 10:03 pm. I'm laying in bed about to get ready to go to sleep shortly. Today has been a pretty good day. I did lock my keys in my car again for like the 1000th time, lol, but I didn't let that bother me. I, well my sister, made my follow up appointment to go see the doctor today and I'm actually anxious to go. I must admit, everyday has not been perfect, but I can tell the difference in my mood and attitude. Usually I'd let those days confine me to my room, but I haven't let that happen recently, and that's a trend I plan to continue.

The Soul of a Man

The soul of a man is buried deep within,

But his soul shows clearly when trials begin.

How dark are your demons,

And how bright is your light

What motivates your actions when you're out of man's sight.

When the seconds become minutes,

And the minutes turn to hours,

What emotions fuel your passion and gives you its power.

Is it hatred or love,

Lust or compassion,

Is it a feeling of self pity that you can't seem to master.

Take control of your emotions,

But don't bury them inside,

Because you'll trap one that'll harm you,

This emotion's called pride.

Pride will tear at your soul,

It'll eat you alive,

It'll make you feel worthless when noone is around.

So what does your soul say to you as a man,

Does it say "I think"

Or "I know" I can.

My soul speaks to me each night as I lay,

Thinking and thanking God for this very day.

No matter the praises or contempt I recieve,

I know I'm doing my best,

And that is all that I need.

Back to work

It's 1:55 pm. Beginning of the week means back to work on these weights. Kinda tired but got to stay on track. Then its off to class. Until later.

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Pressing on

It's 9:08 pm.I'm about to get ready for bed. I'm feeling a little poetic tho so thought is write one last blog.

Moving foward day by day,
What God has for me no man can take away.
He's given me strength to endure through the night,
He promised everything would be alright.
I'm pressing on with the help of my lord,
All the while giving thanks to the one above.
I know I'm not yet who I need to be,
I also know the greatness he put in me.
I give praises to the most high for helping me endure through it all,
He's never let me down and comforts me when I fall.
I'm pressing on because he gave his son to man,
To do anything less would be a sin.
I ask for your blessings to make it through the day,
Forgive my transgressions and wrongful dealings are the words I pray.
I'm pressing on for my family and friends who lend their help,
But more importantly I'm pressing on for myself.
The nights seem long, and the days seem endless,
But I know with God's help I'll make it through this.

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Time to waste.

It's 3:03 pm. I am in pinehurst county tx waiting for the judge so I can get this ticket taken care of I got back in October of last year. This is my third and hopefully my last trip here. I probably should have jus paid the ticket seeing the amount of money I've spent in gas. Either way I'm here now. Today has been a long day. I've already worked out for the day so that's out the way and was a little ify going because I'm tired. I got to stay on track though so I'm glad I went. My physical appearance is already improving and that make me feel better about myself. Guess ill conclude this blog. Until later.

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Ending the night.

It's 9:40 pm. This is my first blog for the day. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be a long day. I am grateful for today. I realize that I can't put all my energy into wishful thinking. Whatever happens as the days go on will happen. I just have to wait and see how each day progresses and live my life for me and noone else. Not family not friends just me. Good night

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Riding

It's 2:43 pm. I'm stuck in traffic headed to school. Hope I get there in time to workout. Today has been a trying day. Probably one of my worst in a few weeks. But I have to keep going. I have given too much to my emotions and although its hard I'm still moving toward today. One day I will be released from these thoughts and feelings I just have to continue to do my part. Noone knows how I feel so noone can help me but me. Everyone's support is greatly appreciated but I know if I give up there will be no progress to be made. I'm not giving up but jus taking it a step at a time. Today those steps have been slower than usual but as long as I keep going in the right direction then that's all that matters. I kno all my days until the lord takes me will be a test for me. As long as I don't give in then I'm doing my part. Playing defense in football I was always taught to bend but don't break. So its ok for these days as long as they don't break me.

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Just thinking.

It's 6:31 pm. I just made it home a fee minutes ago. Class was canceled fortunately so that'll allow me more time to make these test for my students midterm tomorrow. It actually took me an hour to make it home. I had a lot of time to think while I was stuck in traffic. I think I set myself up for disappointment a lot because I expect things to go a certain way and when it doesn't it go how I expect I get down. My mood has been a little up and down so far this week, not really sure why. Don't know if I'm just lonely or bored or what. I know I'll get over it so I'm not gonna think on it too much. I know I have to do better and I'm determined to do so. I've messed up so many aspects of my life because of my mood so I can't let that happen anymore. Good days and bad, noone has perfect days everyday.

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Working out

It's 3:19 pm. I'm at the campus and about to start my workout. I had the weekend off so its back to work. Gotta get my body back in shape and get a Lil weight on my body. So far things are going good. Just gotta continue to progress.

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Don't know

It's 8:48 pm. The day started off pretty good, church was fine. But as the day went on I guess I started thinkin too much again. I had a long talk with my mother the other day and figured some things out about myself. And the more I sit here the more I realize they are true. I'm still working to get and become better but I guess this is one of them bad days I have to deal with.

A lonely heart and a lonely soul have no place to call home.
And as I lay here in my bed I can't help but feel alone.
So where's my place where I can feel like being here is ok.
I guess I'll sit and think it, that's an answer for a different day.

I kno it won't last so I'll jus go to sleep and start brand new tomorrow.

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Happy Birthday

It's 9:16 am. I just want to say thank you lord for another day. About to get ready for church. And want to say happy birthday to my beautiful mother.

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Relaxing

It's 9:21 am. This is my only blog for today. I am going to take it easy. Have a good weekend everyone.

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Work out time

It's 2:56 pm. I'm headed to campus to workout and get something taken care of.

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Day by day

It's 7:30 pm. I'm sitting in my car charging my phone. The weather is freezing outside and it has caused the lights to go out in the complex. Well I've been thinking. This is my second week on my medication and it seems to working for me. The only problem is that I think I am getting a little comfortable with this feeling and a little fearful that if the feeling leaves I won't know what to do. This past week I have felt like I haven't in a long time. I'm doing this for me and I want to succeed. Also I think my students have helped me out a lot. Feeling like someone needs ur help to get ahead is a great feeling. Most of them have taken to me and have told their parents that they are happy in at hla and that is a grate feeling. They may depend on me for knowledge but they are the ones helping me too. I'm just so grateful for what the most high has given me. God truly has given me my life back. I give the most praises to Him and his vision and his way of bringing me out the darkness places in my life. I use to be regretful because Hr He took my brother from me. But I see that He just took him to be under his wings. He has allowed my brother to watch over me in more ways than he possibly could on this earthly plain. He knew I would have followed my brother anywhere and Craig wanted better for me. He guided me away from familiar places to place me in a position to grow and learn. He gave me 5 new brothers and an entire cast of fraternal brothers to help grow and mold me into a better man. Two wonderful supporting and loving parents. Sisters and a biological brother who depend on and love me for who I am. A surrounding cast of true friends who truly love me. I am jus greatful for ALL you have done for me. Lord I give ny entire life to you. For without you I would be nothing. I may stray at times but your light will always fried me back. THANK YOU

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Just bloggin

It's 1:44 pm. I'm at 7 Rivers restaurant on Barker Cypress rd about to get something to eat. I enjoy coming in here the food is good the atmosphere is good and the ppl who work here are very polite and friendly. About to eat, sleep, and workout. Until later

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Beginning of the day

It's 7:51 am. Today is just starting. I've been up over an hour now. I'm at work now about to get ready for my students. After school I have to continue my workouts, do some homework, and get some much needed rest.

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First of the day

its 7:12 pm. This is the first time I've been on my blog today. Today has been a good day. Started off sluggish but ended it on a good note. It's hard to believe but I have actually gained 6 pounds since Sunday. Don't know how it happened don't care lol. Just happy to be getting back on the right track. If I keep progressing like this I'll hit my goal in no time. Well I'm about to eat and call it a night pretty soon. Until next time.

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Thank you

It's 9:50 pm. I'm about to get in the tub and get this workout smell off me lol. But on a serious note I just want to thank everyone who has been patient with me and who has helped me through these difficult times in my life. Everyone could've given up on me but NOONE did and I cannot express how truly grateful I am. I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

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Working out

Its 4 pm. I'm 2 days strong, lol. Gettin my workout on... good day so far

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In class

Itd 9:51 am. I am in my second period class right now. I have given my students the opportunity to retake their chapter one test today. They have had ample the amount of time to study and review so hopefully they do well. As soon as I leave I have to get ready for my classes to night. So its straight home...to the gym...and to class grabbing something to eat in between.

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Still up

It's 12:12 am. I'm still up, don't really know why cuz I'm tired. Mind not doin too much thinking right now. Guess I'll do a few push ups and tire myself out some and try to rest. Got to get up in a few for work.

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Good times

It's 9:25 pm. I'm headed home from a superbowl gathering with my line brothers and some distinguished men of alpha. It was good for me to get out the house. I really enjoyed it. Glad I got to spend that time with people that really care about me. Its time to get home get in bed and get ready for tomorrow.

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Day one

This is me now. There will be an update every few days to track my progress

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Starting over

It's 11:43 am. I've started working out again today. My goal is to get back to 165-170. I have a long way to go but I believe I'm on the right track. If I only do push UPS and sit UPS everyday that's an improvement. I've been told that I have lost a lot of weight. I don't think tht its the fact that I lost the weight but I stopped working out and lost the only thing tht made me look healthy, my definition of my body. Well I'm going to gain it back so I can get back to where I was. I don't like the way I look now and I'm positive noone else does either. This is another step to gaining my life back. Well back to my workout.

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One day at a time

It's 8:58 pm. This is prob my las blog for the night. Back in my room. Been trying to rest all day. Didn't really accomplish that, been sleeping off and on. It's been 5 days since I started my medication. Kind of got mixed feelings about it right now. On one hand it makes me feel ok, on the other it makes me kind of drowsy all day. I was told to give it a few weeks to get in my system and notice a difference, so I'm patiently waiting. Patience is not one of my strong suits, I want results right now, but that's not in my hands. Only thing that is is my consistency on taking it. I jus got some "bad" news but there is nothing I can do about it right now. And yeah it hurts, but I'll jus correct what I can. Still trying to find my purpose in life but I can't give up. I have some things I gotta start changing now so I can move forward. A heavy heart is slowing me dwn some but it hasn't stopped me. Just hope I can stay on track. Well not too much more to say, guess ill call it a night.

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What to do

It's 3:13 pm. I'm jus laying here. I've been trying to rest all day. Mins still going 100 mph wondering how I got to this point, how to fix things, make things better than they were. I wish it were as simple as saying yes or no but there are too many factors to consider and to many issues to work out. But I don't want to fail don't want to give up. I wanna go on, keep it going. I wish I knew what to do.

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Back again

It's 10:15 am. My mind has been going full speed since I first woke this morning. A little bit of anxiety setting in right now and I don't really know how to feel. Is there going to be a breakthrough, or is it going to be the same story for me as always? I can do my part, but is that really enough? So many thoughts running through my head I can't process them all. Am I strong because I'm trying to work on it or am I weak because I let it affect me? What does my future hold, what does my present convey? So many questions yet so few answers. Do ppl really think I'm a terrible person because of my actions? And should I even worry about that? At some point in a person's life there comes a time when a vital decision has to be made and a crossroad comes about where you have to choose a direction to take. There aren't any wrong directions to take but each direction yields its own consequences and rewards and its a matter of deciding which ones you want to deal with. I can pursue what I love and hurt later if it doesn't work or be better off if it does. Or I can choose to give up and just hurt for lord knows how long. Both options yield a consequence of pain yet only one yields a possible reward. I have, in my eyes, failed at so much and given up so easily when I have. I can no longer give up. I have to keep trying. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. But is it really insanity or is it persistence and determination to make the final outcome better than the previous. If you do something enough times eventually you'll get it right. I'm at the point where I just want to get it right.

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Just up

It's 8:44 am. I've been waking up off and on all night. I'm feeling a little better than I was yesterday evening, but its early so hopefully it last. Been stuck in the apartment all week thinking about going to play football today, just depends in how cold it is. Well that's pretty much it for now. Until next time...

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Random

It's 8:23 pm on a Friday. I'm sitting in my room starting to feel a little down....bs, been feeling down for a few hrs (more like 6). Really trying my best not to let it affect me too much. I've been in my room all day because the weather conditions outside are terrible. Was planning on going home to ms at one point in time but didn't make sense to with the weather being like it is. Guess this is one of the bad days I gotta prepare myself for. I've just begun and its already difficult. I told myself I wouldn't give up, so I'm not. But that doesn't mean everything is ok. Really hurting right now.

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Up already

Already time for my second post. It's 7:38 am and I just fell asleep at 3 am and I'm up already. Maybe its my wandering mind, maybe its the fact that I've been waking early for the past few weeks for my new job. Either way I need to get back to sleep since I get a free day off. Guess I'll try to get some rest. If not I will be back.

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First Blog

Its 1:55am. Not really going to write much. I'm just starting this to get random thoughts off of mind from time to time. Currently at war with some inner feelings. Trying to take the advice of others and give it time to work out. Not completely optimistic as to what the outcome is going to be, but whatever happens happens and I guess I'll have to live with those decisions and the outcome/consequences of my actions. I just pray that everything works out. I am starting a new journey, well going into my third day now actually, so hopefully this journey allows me to become a better person. Had to realize that it starts and ends with me and I ultimately control how situations in my life turn out. the things I can control i will do my best to control in the right way, the things I can't I'll have to let play out on their own. Well this is the end of my first blog. Don't really know how often I'll be on here...Guess when i feel like I have something to get off my chest. Oh yeah, I know the blog is kind of bland right now, but over time it'll get better.